The Girl who Can't Take a Joke..

I'm fairly sure I will be this way forever. I have never understood people who joke around in personal ways, especially if they know it has the slightest possibility to hurt the other person. I also don't understand people who say their joking, yet really aren't. They say that they're joking when they really just want to deliberately hurt the other person. Is it just me that finds this to be not an OK thing?

I'm sure this goes back to my childhood. Hearing the things that people said about me, dealing with those mean girls that said bad things about me to my face, being the odd one out for one reason or another, one thing I have learned is that people don't change, and I haven't either in this aspect. I am still hurting from what people said about me 12 years ago. I can even recall the specific incidents ranging from elementary school to high school. Every rumor, every lie, every joke. It's like I'm trapped.

But now I'm just more inclined to fight back. More than ever actually. Why should anyone get away with this and not know how badly the other person feels? Would they still make those jokes if they knew the thoughts that ran through my head after? Let's be honest...they're probably not joking. No, they're not joking at all...and it hurts, and their words stick in my head like gum on hot pavement. The hurt turns into anger...and now I'm angry, seemingly at everything. So my anger turns into me fighting back, I'm sick of trying to convince myself that they don't actually mean what they say. I'm sick of trying to pretend like I don't hear their words and just go on with my business. Shouldn't that person be stopped?

For those of us with self-esteem issues...every negative word that comes toward us is like being stabbed. The pain does not go away and now I've stuffed it away for so long it's beginning to multiply. It's hard to believe that someone has to call their words "jokes" while they know that it hurts me. GROW UP. Why can't all the stuff just be said to my face and gotten off of his mind?

And yet I'm to blame for putting myself in that position, and reacting to it. It is age-old knowledge that someone like him just wants my reaction, my reaction fuels his words. But if I don't react...he still continues. And I still get hurt, either way.

what do you do when you feel like an absolute fool?


sit and wish you never said anything at all

Marc Driscoll said something awesome in church on sunday. (what else is new?) He described us as a sailboat. And the Holy Spirit as a breeze. When we are complacent and feel like God is not moving we complain and think that God is not there. But don't you feel the nice breeze? He told us to get our sails up. The Holy Spirit will fill our sails but He won't if there not up to begin with.


Amazing Love how can it be?
That thou my God shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Prayer

Prayer is something I have always struggled with. Many things pop in my mind when I think of why I struggle. What if my prayers are not of God's will? What if I'm asking for something that's too much? If God is unchanging....what GOOD are my prayers?

I haven't really faced those questions. But I know that right now in this season...I am being called to pray. There have been countless situations in the past two weeks that are so huge and crazy that all I can do is pray.

I'm a doer. I like to fix things and I like when I'm in control. But what God has shown me is that there are situations where all I really can do is pray...because these things are completely out of my hands.

And as I sign on to be a student leader at the Inn this year on the prayer team, I understand now why God has placed me there. He wants to change me into a 1 Thessalonians 5:17 prayer, if you will. One who prays without ceasing.

So pray for me as I learn to pray more. Please


Be joyful always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:17

new beginnings

For a few years now...God has been a huge part of my life; the biggest part of my life. I was saved as a young high school student from the nastiness of teenage life. Saved from all the things that trapped me and saved from things that led to the road of destruction. When I think of those first few months when God took hold of my life, how could I possibly let myself drift? How could this monumental time in my life ever lose its importance? I don't know how...but it has.

Many people know my testimony. And not that that story has changed or been made any less important...But I have learned that I cannot and must not rely on that one point in my life where God moved powerfully. He is still active and still moving in my life...and I must move forward and continue my testimony. Yes, those events a few years ago were awesome...but I need to look at the way God can now work in the smaller things in my life, the things that have somehow gotten lost in translation, the things that for so long now I though I had control of. But as we all know, there is nothing that is in my own control. It is all HIS.

So what has God been doing in my life lately that is worth mentioning? How can I lightly put...everything? Since becoming a believer I have had to tackle my selfish and sassy attitude toward my family...obviously I haven't gotten very far because I thought this was something I could do on my own. And now as a 19 year old college student that only lives at home for a few months of the year, I'm finding the need to let God take control of my selfishness and pride, and bad attitude...and doing this while I rarely see my family.

What I really need is a softening of the heart. My habits from when I was a highschooler are still here. What the heck! You would think that I would have been able to get rid of this by now! What I really need to do is pray, recently I've been praying for my family...and the biggest thing that has changed is my own heart. I sit back and smile as nasty things are pointed and said in my direction. I'm working on saying things in the nicest way I can. And I have found that the most effective way in showing the Gospel to my family is just to sit back and love, and show them how Jesus works in my life.

I have learned that being a Christian is not about comparing your life to other Christians'. I have spent so much time checking and balancing my life and making sure it fits into this "Christian" mold...but it's all a lie. My standard should be Jesus. Comparison is the theif of all joy. Most Christian labels today are all about self-help and what Jesus can do for me. This idea couldn't be any worse, how could I waste my time asking Jesus to do things for me when I owe everything I have to Him? When you think of how big He is, and the fact that every breath ANYONE breathe's HE ordains...how could I offer Him anything less than my life?

This life is not about what I do for Jesus, it's not about how many hours I volunteer, how many dollars I donate, or how many books on theology I read. This life is about surrendering myself to Him. It's letting His will go before my own...and trusting that His ways are always better than my own.

So, I praise YOU Lord...for paying my debt and washing me clean. I pray that I would no longer base my justification on works. Your work on the cross paid the whole price, and nothing I do on this earth will make You love me anymore...

Oh how He loves us

there is an absolutely wonderful song that has been on my heart lately. The lyrics are simple, yet powerful and just....awesome.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Lord,
Though I have walked away...bring me back to You. Remind me that I am justified only by what You did on the cross and that nothing I do makes you love me any more.

...

I had all these visions of how summer was going to be this year. Stressful was not one of those visions at all. I find myself caught in the middle of so many things, and finding that I haven't sought the Lord in any of it. Where am I to go from here?