Despite his lack of communication with...well anyone, he really is a sweet guy. Like most guys he doesn't know how to show emotion to anyone unless its one of the hot girls he seems to date every so often. For the past few years I've known that he has dated, and I saw him go through the ugliest heart break I've ever seen last year. But I saw something in him tonight as I drove him home from a drunken party, I saw the look in his eyes when he got rejected, something that I am ever so familiar with. I saw the lack of confidence and assurance that every person needs to survive. It's not just a little bit lacking...its completely lacking, and this is what scares me. He is turning 21 next month, and he has little confidence in himself that he can ever make it on his own. Only by God's grace have I been able to attempt to fix this same exact aspect in my life that we seem to share.
Over the past few months of being in Seattle I have learned a thing or two about how people my age grew up. In my house, making fun of others for how they look is the common topic at dinner, physical fitness and eating habits are of high importance, a pat on the back or a showing of appreciation has never been found, and the S children are held to the strictist of standards, the standards of our Father. The standards that say we must have successful and lucrative careers, the lie that money is equal to happiness, and the implication that we will never be good enough to meet the standards at hand. Forgive me for "blasting" my father, but he really does think that SuperChildren exist. And now that I've grown up a bit and finally seen the other side of the fence, I realize how I must never raise children under these standards.
This sense that we are not good enough people, that we don't fit in, and that we are plagued with shyness when we enter a room is without a doubt related to how my brother and I were raised. In our heads, there is always someone better, there is always someone that we are being compared to, and we are never good enough. The way others think about us controls our thoughts and we are always thinking that people are judging us. This shows in how we interact with people, we're shy, nervous, defensive, and often rude. We judge other's appearance first always and we talk rudely about other's constantly.
And now that us Skaates children are adults, we must find a way to be normal. Normal? How can we be normal when all we know how to do is judged and be judged?
Obviously, this is part of my sinful nature. But, this is the only thing I know. After talking with Seth about my extreme insecurities, we came to the conclusion that I must learn to think differently. I must learn to not focus on what other's are thinking about me, because most of the time I assume there thinking things about me that are proposterous. I must learn that there is more beyond someone's image, yes I must LEARN that, I must learn how to think all over again because I have everything backwards. EVERY single time I walk into a room, I think about what people are thinking of my image, I make up crazy things about how fat they must think I am, or how they must think that I'm rude because I didn't smile at them, or I think that they must think I have no fashion sense cause my pants are too short. Crazy...I know.
I must learn to STOP, and realize how crazy my thoughts really are. I must stop myself in the middle of this rant inside my head and just learn to think like a good person does. I will not teach my children that it is ok to talk rudely of others, I will not let the love of money take over my life, and I will not teach my children that they are not good enough and need to measure up to a physical standard to earn my love.
The truth is...
there is only one standard that matters...
GOD'S HOLY AND RIGHTEOUS STANDARD. His love tells me that I don't need to look a certain way or to achieve a high GPA to be loved and appreciated. His grace tells me that though I am undeserving, He sent His Son to redeem my sins on the cross. His gospel tells me the wonderful story of Jesus, who lived a un-luxiourous life but was without sin, who ate with prostitutes and lepers, who cast out deamons and who BEAT death.
I will boast in nothing less than the cross of Christ. I will learn to change my thought's and my heart to what God desires of me. I will live a life obedient to Christ no matter what the cost. I will serve Him no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I will not be judged by the world's standards, by my father's standards, or by anything else because it will all BURN.
so back to Geoff. I pray for him. I pray that he might find himself, that he would find confidence and courage to be his own person and seperate himself from my father's discouraging words. I pray that he would find Jesus, that he would see the error of his ways and the error of the world and to fall at the foot of the cross. I pray that I could be a source of communication for him, I know just how he feels and just how he thinks, and I want to be there for him.
And now, I pray for courage to walk boldly for God. But to be humble and still respecting towards my parents. I pray that I would not be ashamed of the gospel, and that I would find complete security and strength in Jesus.
"So also we, while we were children, were held in bondage under the elemental things of the world. But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:3-8
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