home

my family is here from home. Can't they just take me back with them? This roller coaster of happiness and sadness is such a MESS. Just as things start to get a little better around here, things with Seth go haywire. As soon as I start to have fun...everything falls apart between us. Well, not everything, but sheesh...how do people seem to make the distance work? I feel like my heart is ripped apart. True love WILL beat this, and if God wants us together...He will do just that. I guess, I am just not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point. And counting down the hours...is like watching paint dry, who knew hours went by so slowly?


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tears of happiness

The tears lately have been sad ones. Tears of loneliness, shame, brokenness, and despair. This first quarter of college has been one of the hardest few months of my life, partly because I'm in a whole new surrounding and not comfortable with everything, and mostly because the theological views of this school are kind of wacky, and I feel so challenged to find out what I actually believe in and what is the truth and what I am being taught. But it is hard to deny that the hardest part of leaving San Mateo was Seth. We've known each other for a couple years, yet our relationship didn't begin till the summer and now we've been dating for more than 7 months and things couldn't be better...most of the time. My personal tendency when I meet a guy is to throw all my time into my relationship and leave God out of the picture...no wonder all my other relationships have failed. But this one is different, I knew it was different from the beginning and it has truly been one of the best seasons of my life. Through our 7 months of physical struggles, spiritual struggles, and the struggle of being 700 miles from each other, Seth and I are finally in a place where we can grow together and worship the God who holds our relationship...together. Tonight, after getting off the phone, I cried tears of joy. Not the same tears that have been drained from my eyes since the day that I left in September, but tears that end with a smile. A smile because we are making a promise to ourselves and to God that we are moving forward and trusting God to help us work through the struggles that we face. Though I still don't know where I will end up in the rest of my college years, I do know that I trust the God who holds this world together, and will hold me together when things seem to fall apart. What I still must continue to seek is a purpose here in Seattle, a place where God can grow and change me into a woman that glorifies Him.
....

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
- Jeremy Camp

On being away...

So I spent the weekend in Spokane, not exactly what I planned, but it was good nonetheless to have girl time with my best friend. What I did realize....I missed school. SO surprised about that. I missed my friends and my campus and my classes that I felt I was actually getting something that was valuable to my spiritual life and not just my career. This weekend really made me appreciate SPU and what it has to offer despite that I don't agree with their theological views and some of their political views. I still miss my home, and I still am trying to pray through where I am supposed to be next year. Part of this I'm sure is my unwillingness to put my whole heart into my time here at SPU. I cant help think at the end of every day how much I would rather be at home with the love of my life. I know God has something for me here, what that something is....I don't know yet.

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts

Spokane

I'm seriously counting down the hours until I go to spokane tomorrow to see my besty! Finally we will be reunited and just be able to hang with eachother by ourselves!

I will bring praise...

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

my heart hurts

I cant stand this. I have never been through such heartache in my life. Hardest week at SPU by far has been this one. And I am not going home for what seems like forever - 6 weeks from now-- someone shoot me..please. What's worse is that I still don't know what to do for next year, I just submitted an application to USF and UOP, but I don't know what to do, what if I don't get accepted anywhere? What if I'm stuck. I don't want my relationship with Seth to fall apart because were so far away from eachother, but this heartache is killing the both of us

hating it

I think the worst feeling of my whole experience at school is lonliness. In a sea of 4000 people, I feel like I have no one but God, not that I necessarily need anyone besides God, but a friend would be nice. Not just any friend, a really sincere friend that really cared about me. I almost cried today telling my dad about how I had no one to go to lunch with and that I was eating subway by myself, the casheir even recognized that I ate there so much and gave me a rewards card. Seriously...I hate this. I am tired of the superficialness of college friends, maybe that's why I continue to have no close relationships, or even many surface friendships, because I see no value. What on earth do I do? I don't want to invest my time in things I'm not interested in, or when I have other priorities to fill, but I want a friend.

Back at School

Back at school and in the snow! Not as fun as I expected, having to wait almost 3 hours at the airport and then drive 20 miles an hour on the highway with a car full of people I didn't know. Maybe the snow will stick? Not likely...seeing that it is barely freezing temp right now. But it was fun watching it fall all over the place, and maybe I'll get to walk to class tomorrow in it :). On the bright side, I feel like I get a fresh start this quarter, with a job and a car and classes that I'm actually interested in. Hopefully I'll make some more friends! I was quite the wreck when I left home today, mostly when I left Seth's house. This will be the longest stretch of time we will go without seeing eachother, 6 weeks, it should'nt sound so terrible, but it really does sound totally awful right now and that's all I can think about. As I sat in church this morning I opened to something very enlightening, Psalm 119, the lengthiest psalm of them all has beautiful verses that pretty much summed up how I was feeling at that moment. I need to constantly remember while I'm here that I am not alone, that I have a God who loves and cares for me right HERE, and I live like my entire life is at home. Though it feels sometimes like I am alone, God is everywhere...and I constantly forget that. My goal for this quarter is to not so much regret for coming to SPU but to find out why God has placed me here and what I can do to serve Him on this campus. I shouldn't dwell solely on how I disagree with the theology of the school but rather find a place of truth somewhere on campus where I feel that God truly dwells. Well, tomorrow is a new start, new meal plan and everything! I will update on how my new set of classes go...Politics,History,Christian Scriptures, and Romans...PHEW! quite the difficulty I feel coming my direction. And I have my first day of work tomorrow! So exciting!


Psalm 119
I cried with all my heart,
answer me O Lord
I will observe Your statutes.
I cried to You, save me
And I shall keep your testimonies.
I rise before dawn and cry for help,
I wait for Your words
~
Revive me,O Lord, according to Your lovingkindness.
The Sum of Your word is truth,
And every one of Your righteous ordinaces is everlasting