The Girl who Can't Take a Joke..

I'm fairly sure I will be this way forever. I have never understood people who joke around in personal ways, especially if they know it has the slightest possibility to hurt the other person. I also don't understand people who say their joking, yet really aren't. They say that they're joking when they really just want to deliberately hurt the other person. Is it just me that finds this to be not an OK thing?

I'm sure this goes back to my childhood. Hearing the things that people said about me, dealing with those mean girls that said bad things about me to my face, being the odd one out for one reason or another, one thing I have learned is that people don't change, and I haven't either in this aspect. I am still hurting from what people said about me 12 years ago. I can even recall the specific incidents ranging from elementary school to high school. Every rumor, every lie, every joke. It's like I'm trapped.

But now I'm just more inclined to fight back. More than ever actually. Why should anyone get away with this and not know how badly the other person feels? Would they still make those jokes if they knew the thoughts that ran through my head after? Let's be honest...they're probably not joking. No, they're not joking at all...and it hurts, and their words stick in my head like gum on hot pavement. The hurt turns into anger...and now I'm angry, seemingly at everything. So my anger turns into me fighting back, I'm sick of trying to convince myself that they don't actually mean what they say. I'm sick of trying to pretend like I don't hear their words and just go on with my business. Shouldn't that person be stopped?

For those of us with self-esteem issues...every negative word that comes toward us is like being stabbed. The pain does not go away and now I've stuffed it away for so long it's beginning to multiply. It's hard to believe that someone has to call their words "jokes" while they know that it hurts me. GROW UP. Why can't all the stuff just be said to my face and gotten off of his mind?

And yet I'm to blame for putting myself in that position, and reacting to it. It is age-old knowledge that someone like him just wants my reaction, my reaction fuels his words. But if I don't react...he still continues. And I still get hurt, either way.

what do you do when you feel like an absolute fool?


sit and wish you never said anything at all

Marc Driscoll said something awesome in church on sunday. (what else is new?) He described us as a sailboat. And the Holy Spirit as a breeze. When we are complacent and feel like God is not moving we complain and think that God is not there. But don't you feel the nice breeze? He told us to get our sails up. The Holy Spirit will fill our sails but He won't if there not up to begin with.


Amazing Love how can it be?
That thou my God shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Prayer

Prayer is something I have always struggled with. Many things pop in my mind when I think of why I struggle. What if my prayers are not of God's will? What if I'm asking for something that's too much? If God is unchanging....what GOOD are my prayers?

I haven't really faced those questions. But I know that right now in this season...I am being called to pray. There have been countless situations in the past two weeks that are so huge and crazy that all I can do is pray.

I'm a doer. I like to fix things and I like when I'm in control. But what God has shown me is that there are situations where all I really can do is pray...because these things are completely out of my hands.

And as I sign on to be a student leader at the Inn this year on the prayer team, I understand now why God has placed me there. He wants to change me into a 1 Thessalonians 5:17 prayer, if you will. One who prays without ceasing.

So pray for me as I learn to pray more. Please


Be joyful always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:17

new beginnings

For a few years now...God has been a huge part of my life; the biggest part of my life. I was saved as a young high school student from the nastiness of teenage life. Saved from all the things that trapped me and saved from things that led to the road of destruction. When I think of those first few months when God took hold of my life, how could I possibly let myself drift? How could this monumental time in my life ever lose its importance? I don't know how...but it has.

Many people know my testimony. And not that that story has changed or been made any less important...But I have learned that I cannot and must not rely on that one point in my life where God moved powerfully. He is still active and still moving in my life...and I must move forward and continue my testimony. Yes, those events a few years ago were awesome...but I need to look at the way God can now work in the smaller things in my life, the things that have somehow gotten lost in translation, the things that for so long now I though I had control of. But as we all know, there is nothing that is in my own control. It is all HIS.

So what has God been doing in my life lately that is worth mentioning? How can I lightly put...everything? Since becoming a believer I have had to tackle my selfish and sassy attitude toward my family...obviously I haven't gotten very far because I thought this was something I could do on my own. And now as a 19 year old college student that only lives at home for a few months of the year, I'm finding the need to let God take control of my selfishness and pride, and bad attitude...and doing this while I rarely see my family.

What I really need is a softening of the heart. My habits from when I was a highschooler are still here. What the heck! You would think that I would have been able to get rid of this by now! What I really need to do is pray, recently I've been praying for my family...and the biggest thing that has changed is my own heart. I sit back and smile as nasty things are pointed and said in my direction. I'm working on saying things in the nicest way I can. And I have found that the most effective way in showing the Gospel to my family is just to sit back and love, and show them how Jesus works in my life.

I have learned that being a Christian is not about comparing your life to other Christians'. I have spent so much time checking and balancing my life and making sure it fits into this "Christian" mold...but it's all a lie. My standard should be Jesus. Comparison is the theif of all joy. Most Christian labels today are all about self-help and what Jesus can do for me. This idea couldn't be any worse, how could I waste my time asking Jesus to do things for me when I owe everything I have to Him? When you think of how big He is, and the fact that every breath ANYONE breathe's HE ordains...how could I offer Him anything less than my life?

This life is not about what I do for Jesus, it's not about how many hours I volunteer, how many dollars I donate, or how many books on theology I read. This life is about surrendering myself to Him. It's letting His will go before my own...and trusting that His ways are always better than my own.

So, I praise YOU Lord...for paying my debt and washing me clean. I pray that I would no longer base my justification on works. Your work on the cross paid the whole price, and nothing I do on this earth will make You love me anymore...

Oh how He loves us

there is an absolutely wonderful song that has been on my heart lately. The lyrics are simple, yet powerful and just....awesome.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Lord,
Though I have walked away...bring me back to You. Remind me that I am justified only by what You did on the cross and that nothing I do makes you love me any more.

...

I had all these visions of how summer was going to be this year. Stressful was not one of those visions at all. I find myself caught in the middle of so many things, and finding that I haven't sought the Lord in any of it. Where am I to go from here?

Empty

I have successfully burned the candle and both ends, and held a flame in the middle.
and now..
I'm empty

Usually I would feel a vast array of emotions flooding in my brain from moment to moment, and to be honest I feel like my mind is on pause while the rest of the world keeps moving. How did this happen? At the end of my first year of college I feel tired and weak, I feel like I'm hiding from God and hiding from what's real.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the future again.

The thought of moving home for the summer in two weeks. The thought of marrying Seth. The thought of moving into a new apartment in the fall. The thought of trying to rebuild broken friendships. The thought of a career. Thought's of what is going to happen with my parents. Thoughts of my grandma. Lingering thoughts of my Grandpa whom I can't stop thinking about lately. Thoughts of being a leader for the Inn next year.

Maybe I'm all thought out.

Either way I can't seem to focus. I feel down and unmotivated. I feel like giving up.
But I can't, I can't afford to.

Is it possible to step outside my brain for a few hours?

Probably not. But it's a nice thought

Lord, take me out of this mess. Set me upon the rock which is You.

May Fun

May has been great...

Where are you going? Where have you been?

As this quarter is nearing its end and I head back home to live in California, I am forced to wonder where my life is going. No, not to dwell on the future so much that I'm lost in it...(what I spent the last 6 months doing). I have experienced so much here in Seattle, a lot of good but also a lot of things that aren't so good. For instance, I have met some amazing friends, but in making those friends I had to realize a lot about my old friendships and truly evaluate some of my longtime friendships. I realized that the only reason I was really holding on to those old ones because they were there for so long and I was scared to let them go. I haven't given up, but in a sense I've moved on. God has shown me the amazing things spring up from Christ-centered friendships, why would I chase anything else? I've probably been viewed as a bad friend for this, and for that I am sorry, but one can only disregard God's direction for so long. So I'm a little scared to go home, to have my closest friend a few hours away will be hard and she also has her own friends at home. I have Seth, which I am so thankful for, and my family. And praise God that my relationships with my family members have improved ten-fold since my move to Seattle. I am excited for the summer, to have more than a couple weeks to be with Seth and to share our love with each other before I'm off for another year in Seattle. I am very excited to return though. I will be on leadership with The Inn which I am so excited for! And I will also be living with 2 of my closest girlfriends and another one that I can't wait to get to know more, in a fabulous apartment on campus! I may regret saying this now, but I am also excited for my new classes! With my probable transfer to somewhere closer to home, I wont have to take the required Christian courses at SPU which will be nice...SPU theology is a little bit wacky to say the least.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned this year is to literally live..."my best life now". Not in the cheesy Christian sense, but to truly embrace God's grace in my life every single day. I spent my first quarter in a total haze. I had no idea that there were great people on campus and so many fun things to do, I was stuck in my future and being home again. This was so damaging to live that way. I expected way too much from Seth and was more concerned with how many days,hours, and seconds we'd been dating than actually enjoying the time we had spent together. After vowing to make a serious life change my winter quarter...everything turned around. I made amazing friends, enjoyed my time here, and truly felt like God now had a purpose for me being in Seattle. And I realized...if God wants Seth and I to get married and be together forever..then He will have it that way! I don't need to worry about moving home so quickly and totally giving up on long-distance; yes it's crappy most of the time to be so far away from him, but there is SO much we can learn about each other through phone and skype conversations.

On a lighter note...I truly enjoy my life. If you all could only meet my wonderful friends! For instance..Janie, my first friend from USEM during the first week of school. We had an intstant bond that has flourished into a wonderful Christ-centered relationship! She is funny and so caring and the sweetest girl I know. And Ally, thank goodness she lives so close to me because I couldnt see my life without her this summer! She is a wonderful friend and we have the best talks, she is witty and overall so fun to be around. And Mel is the cutest thing, she's quirky and joyful all the time and will always be excited for you no matter what! And Tor..my roomie, things started off slow because we really don't have that much in common except that we live in the same room..but through hanging out and bonding a lot throughout the year she too has become a good friend. And then theres Sarah, this girl is so encouraging! Every time I see her she's asking how she can pray for me or when we can have coffee, it is so encouraging to see her and be around her! There are so many more people I could mention...and I know there will only be more after next year! God truly met the desire of my heart, He developed a community of Christian woman for me to grow in and I couldn't be more thankful.

And to lastly speak of my past. I have come to realize that I have a changing testimony, no the events of my conversion will never change. But I have learned that I can't live on those forever, each new day brings a way that God is present and working. This year I walked away from God for a long time, I spent many months hiding from things only He knows. But He is always calling me back home. He never stopped. God has been so faithful this year, even when I was disobedient and hurtful towards others and Him, and even faithful when I was a downright hypocrit. I deserve nothing, yet He has given me everything. I can barely describe His work in my life, it has been so wonderful. I have learned to find joy in the broken, and to understand that this life will be filled with more trials and struggles than I care to imagine. But whether it is running or limping, (probably limping), I will stay on the path that leads to righteousness for the rest of my life.

O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
~Psalm 43:3-5
The help of my countenance and my God.

Mars Hill Church

Mars Hill Church is amazing...and this had to be one of the most powerful sermons I've heard in a long time

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

listen and enjoy!

I find myself in a sea of people living from spiritual high to spiritual high. Some have a constant and growing faith, and some have a faith that hops from worship concert to Christian festival and is dead in between. I know it sounds like I'm judging them, and maybe I am, but it makes me angry to see people act like this, there is NO evidence that they are Christians except for when they raise there hands or say an "amen" during a worship song that really has no depth to it whatsoever. How can we think that God is actually pleased with this type of behavior? How can we all be so blind to what the bible says?

"When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. “But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

What good are healing crusades and mission trips if we are only trying to impress our family and friends? Why must we make a show out of our faith? They will know us by our FRUIT, not our Christianized tshirts and bumper stickers, nor by our numbers of how many people we "healed". On a further note, will God really bless me financially and materially if I give my money to the pastor's bank account, show me the bible verse that says that! At a recent concert...that was the message I got repeatedly over and over, and to tell the truth it completely ruined my experience of a band I used to love. These past few days since the concert...I've tried to listen to them on my ipod but all I can hear in the back of my head is the pastor telling me that I NEED some money in my hand so that God will bless me in my material ways, cause that will really do me a TON of good.

My prayer is not that I would be beyond the people that believe this lie, but that I could learn to pray for them in a non-judging way. And pray that they may find the REAL truth's of God

"look to me"

Never have I heard God's voice so clear



"look to me, I won't let you down"

I'm not who I was...

Sin is a constant battle, you don't really need a rocket scientist to tell you that. As scared as I am to admit this...lately..sin is winning this battle within me, and its tearing me apart. I havn't felt so apart from God since I became a Christian in 2005, and I'm left here wondering, where has all my faith gone? Has it dried up in the midst of all this change? Why is God allowing me to fall? Why can't I see Him when I'm surrounded by so much "Christian-ness"? How could I possibly forget the great things that God has done for me? I ponder these questions often and wonder how I got here. The only thing I can really come up with is sin, and the fact that I live in a broken place no matter how many times the name of Christ is thrown around.

So where do I go now? As I was listening to my ipod in the shower...Brandon Heath's: I'm not who I was , came on. I suddenly remembered why I was thankful for what God has done, because..I'm not who I was.
"I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was"

I think about the life I used to live...and wow, I'm not who I was. How many times can I say it? As many as it takes! Now my challenge is to grow from this standpoint. I'm not who I was, but I am a new person who needs to grow and be challenged in her faith. I need a constant reminder that I am not held down by chains any longer, that I can have the strength to walk away from it all if I just ask the Lord for it.

My biggest struggle is understanding that developing a right relationship with God is not instant..but a process. A constant process that takes time and nurturing like any relationship does.

Pray for me as the wounds within me are beginning to close.

Sick of being sick

Gosh what a roller coaster I've been one the past few days. It was great being home over last weekend, but when I got back to SPU everything was kind of haywire. It's the last week of school before finals so that was kind of to be expected, but Monday I had huge test that I didn't spend much time studying for...thought I failed it. Then Monday evening Tori (roomate) starts feeling sick...she spends all of tuesday and wednesday bed ridden with the flu. Poor baby :(, it was so hard cause she was so helpless. Low and behold...Wednesday were out watching TV at a friends sisters place...and I start feeling really sick. Wednesday night I go to bed feeling pretty awful and dont get a very good night's sleep. I wake up on thursday morning feeling like I had been run over by a semi truck. It was AWFUL. So thursday and friday I spent all day in bed..doing absoluetely nothing and feeling like death on a stick. Saturday rolls around and I wake up thinking...I'm gonna get some dayquil so I can feel a bit better, roll out of bed...and...wow my neck reallly hurts. Not just an ache..it is in awful pain. I proceed to the drug store...trying to get a hold of my mom and am not successful till I finally get to safeway. I call her and tell her and she asks..."can you touch your chin to your chest?" at this point I'm in so much pain its impossible to do that, she says..."you need to go to the ER RIGHT NOW"...and of course I get all emotional and scared cause she's freakin out!

I proceed to the ER with my dear friend Janie...she's an ANGEL. She takes care of me and gets me checked in and everything. I explain to them whats going on and how my mom thinks I might have menengitis because my neck is so stiff. They take a few blood samples and tests...and give me drugs. Oh the drugs :) Man was I feeling great! Meanwhile my mom is still scared out of her mind...and all this time I just wanted to avoid having to get a spinal tap. Turns out, they don't think its menengitis (PTL), looks like a bad muscle strain that seems to have affected my whole neck and head. While I'm in the ER my mom decides to fly up to Seattle, bless her heart...it was JUST what I needed. She takes me to her hotel room while I'm all drugged up on muscle relaxers and vicodin and takes great care of me. Granted my neck still really really hurts, at least I dont have menengitis. Story goes she had every right to worry because she had a patient come in this week saying that there was a menengitis outbreak at her school with people who had all ready had the vaccine. Anyways...

Today I'm feeling a lot better. The flu symptoms are finally going away, but my neck is still in a lot of pain. And my momma just left..but it was so good to have her here. I love her so much! And I'm excited to go home for Spring Break in 3 days :D

Thankful

I am in awe of what this past quarter has brought me, and as it is the last week before finals I feel it appropriate to make note of the things God has done in these past 2 1/2 months here at SPU. Going into this quarter I was rather hopeless, I doubted that I would ever make solid relationships and truly enjoy my time here, and I doubted that God had anything here for me here.

As stubborn as I was about this issue, I can admit that I was wrong. One thing I lacked at home was real close friendships and relationships with Godly women. Sure I have girlfriends at church, but none that I would call my best friend and none that I was totally ok with talking about my relationship with God with. When I threw away my need to be on the phone with Seth ALL the time, and threw away my stubbornness about not being outgoing...I found a world of new friends here. Not a bunch of friends, but relationships that were REAL and deep and loving. Praise God! For this is what I truly needed! Maybe my grades slacked a little, and I didn't get to communicate with Seth as often as I would have liked, but I invested time in the women here and now I am seeing the benefits.

What has been really hard about leaving home besides being away from Seth...is that I watched a lot of my close relationships with my girlfriends deteriorate. Not that I wanted them to do that, but my two close girlfriends and I were no longer living in the same place, we all started new lives in new homes and had different friends. Not only did we live in different places, but we have different spiritual lives. Don't get me wrong, I love those girls SO much and respect that we don't all believe the same thing...but there is something about being friends with women that believe whole-heartedly in the same thing you do, and it is wonderful! I'm not so upset anymore that my old friendships have weakened because I have seen the power of Christian fellowship. It makes me want to invest more and more time in my Christian friends at home as well as my friends here! Even though I still plan on transferring, I know I will hold on to the relationships I have made here. God is SO SO good!

I still just can't believe I have a whole quarter here...summer come now! I want to be able to see Seth for more than 3 days at a time every month!

Redeeming Love

I have been captivated by this book for the past couple days. It's an amazing story. Please pick it up if you havn't read it yet!

I had coffee with one of the interns at The Inn (the college group I go to at UPC), annnnnd she told me about a singer/songwriter with some great stuff! Her name is Alli Rogers :)

Some lyrics that are sweeeeeeet:

So I offer up my life
It's all that I have to give
And I confess that I have sinned
Praise the Lamb, praise the Lamb
Praise the Lamb
Who was slain

Almighty God, beheld in flesh
Your body, murdered and buried
Rising up, overcoming death
While our burdens, you lifted and carried

With one sacrifice
You have forever made perfect
Those who are being made holy
We are being made holy
We are being made holy

pride

I've been reading Mere Christianity for a while..trying to take each chapter in and not speed through it like I do a lot of my books. As I read the chapter on the sin of pride...I felt as though God was talking right to me. I have been so proud about everything in my life, and I must change. Right now, I don't really know how and I know I just need to surrender to God whatever it is that makes me this way. Please be praying for me.

The Lentent Season

Lent is something I have never observed. I breifly heard about it as a kid, but never understood it, I do remember seeing some kids or adults with black ashes on their head and thought they looked incredibly silly. There is no way that I believe that now, after today I understand the true meaning of lent.

Previous to today, lent sounded to me like an excuse for someone to give up something and boast about it, maybe its a certain food..and they secretly hope to lose weight, or maybe its their cell phone and they tell all their friends ahead of time. While letting people know for certain reasons may be necessary, whatever we are fasting from should be kept between ourselves and our Heavenly Father, and if to be shared, only in the purpose of asking for accountability if needed or to ask if they would like to join you.

At the service today, we were encouraged to leave our woe's at the alter. We were presented on small sheet with the woes presented in Luke 6:20-24. These woes had to do with the love of riches, food, laughter, and pride. After recieving the ashes, we were asked to circle a woe that we would like to leave, and to meditate on it, leave it at the alter, and to take a blessing card. This blessing card contained the blessings in Luke 6:20-24.

I circled the woe of riches. I struggle with the use of money daily, I can rarely say no to buying something, and have to continually find new homes for all the clothes in my closet. This 40 days, I will not be buying any clothing, shoes, accessories or anything I do not need. Because honestly, the 10 pairs of black sweats in my closet are not going to be needing another addition any time soon.

After these 40 days, I am hoping to not feel the impulse to buy anything new, I am hoping that I will feel releived and be releived of my addiction to money and shopping.

This season I want to grow deeper in my relationship with God. I am going to wake up earlier and spend time with God in the morning, and hopefully that will lead to an all-day conversation with Him. Usually strict provisions like having to read my bible every single day would scare me away, but discipline for me is what produces results.

Luke 6:20-25
And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.“Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. “Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. “Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. “But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full. “Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way.

...starting to call Seattle home...*sigh of releif*

Don't get me wrong. I love San Mateo and the Bay Area, but yes...Seattle is starting to become my home away from my home home. If that makes any sort of sense at all. I just arrived here about an hour ago...expecting a tired friend fried from a day of classes to pick me up and that would be it. But no, how could I be so mistaken...I got the best homecoming ever. I hear Ally's infamous OH OHHHHHHHH! out of my car window, followed by Tori and Cody and Ally all hopping out of my car to greet me. It was the greatest! And it made leaving the bay area leave my mind! I was pleasantly reminded of how nice it is to know my way around Seattle, thanks to mommy and daddy my little blue speed racer was shipped up here in the beginning of the quarter..and the fun hasn't stopped yet! Exceppppppt, now back to the grind of school, midterms are over..but finals are just around the corner and I'm not nerely prepared enough!

But my first of many Valentine's with Seth was pretty amazing :). What girl will complain when she walks away with a diamond ring?! No no no, we're not engaged, but promised and committed, and that's perfect for us right now! But diamonds are not the only reason it was awesome, I just love being in love. It's amazing. Being in this relationship has made me realize so much about how my old relationships were so meaningless but Seth and I do truly love eachother and it's so evident in how we treat eachother. No amount diamonds or gifts will make that love grow or deplete :)

Anywho,
History research paper anyone? MMMMM I'm SO (not) excited to write a 10 page paper on Thomas Jefferson. Welcome home, research papers, politics arguments, false doctrine...OH MY!
Looking forward toooo: Sno-cal with TNT! (March 20), Spring Break (March 19), Seth's 21st Birthday(May 25)

:)

Some lyrics that have lifted me recently: Kari Jobe --> You are For Me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart...
to remind me who You are

So patient,
So gracious,
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
YOU fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You...


:)

Geoff, George, and God

My brother. How distant our whole lives have been from each other while living under the same roof. Do we have anything in common besides our last name? For the past 18 years I would have told you no, and now...tonight, I can say yes. We live under the roof of Mr. S, and under this roof lies high standards, low morals, and no chance to ever gain self esteem. Call me dramatic if you may...but the three others living under this roof besides my father are plagued with self-esteem issues. I have always blamed a lot of it on my father, I know my mom blames a lot of it on him as well, and now tonight...I see it in my poor brother.

Despite his lack of communication with...well anyone, he really is a sweet guy. Like most guys he doesn't know how to show emotion to anyone unless its one of the hot girls he seems to date every so often. For the past few years I've known that he has dated, and I saw him go through the ugliest heart break I've ever seen last year. But I saw something in him tonight as I drove him home from a drunken party, I saw the look in his eyes when he got rejected, something that I am ever so familiar with. I saw the lack of confidence and assurance that every person needs to survive. It's not just a little bit lacking...its completely lacking, and this is what scares me. He is turning 21 next month, and he has little confidence in himself that he can ever make it on his own. Only by God's grace have I been able to attempt to fix this same exact aspect in my life that we seem to share.

Over the past few months of being in Seattle I have learned a thing or two about how people my age grew up. In my house, making fun of others for how they look is the common topic at dinner, physical fitness and eating habits are of high importance, a pat on the back or a showing of appreciation has never been found, and the S children are held to the strictist of standards, the standards of our Father. The standards that say we must have successful and lucrative careers, the lie that money is equal to happiness, and the implication that we will never be good enough to meet the standards at hand. Forgive me for "blasting" my father, but he really does think that SuperChildren exist. And now that I've grown up a bit and finally seen the other side of the fence, I realize how I must never raise children under these standards.

This sense that we are not good enough people, that we don't fit in, and that we are plagued with shyness when we enter a room is without a doubt related to how my brother and I were raised. In our heads, there is always someone better, there is always someone that we are being compared to, and we are never good enough. The way others think about us controls our thoughts and we are always thinking that people are judging us. This shows in how we interact with people, we're shy, nervous, defensive, and often rude. We judge other's appearance first always and we talk rudely about other's constantly.

And now that us Skaates children are adults, we must find a way to be normal. Normal? How can we be normal when all we know how to do is judged and be judged?

Obviously, this is part of my sinful nature. But, this is the only thing I know. After talking with Seth about my extreme insecurities, we came to the conclusion that I must learn to think differently. I must learn to not focus on what other's are thinking about me, because most of the time I assume there thinking things about me that are proposterous. I must learn that there is more beyond someone's image, yes I must LEARN that, I must learn how to think all over again because I have everything backwards. EVERY single time I walk into a room, I think about what people are thinking of my image, I make up crazy things about how fat they must think I am, or how they must think that I'm rude because I didn't smile at them, or I think that they must think I have no fashion sense cause my pants are too short. Crazy...I know.

I must learn to STOP, and realize how crazy my thoughts really are. I must stop myself in the middle of this rant inside my head and just learn to think like a good person does. I will not teach my children that it is ok to talk rudely of others, I will not let the love of money take over my life, and I will not teach my children that they are not good enough and need to measure up to a physical standard to earn my love.

The truth is...
there is only one standard that matters...

GOD'S HOLY AND RIGHTEOUS STANDARD. His love tells me that I don't need to look a certain way or to achieve a high GPA to be loved and appreciated. His grace tells me that though I am undeserving, He sent His Son to redeem my sins on the cross. His gospel tells me the wonderful story of Jesus, who lived a un-luxiourous life but was without sin, who ate with prostitutes and lepers, who cast out deamons and who BEAT death.

I will boast in nothing less than the cross of Christ. I will learn to change my thought's and my heart to what God desires of me. I will live a life obedient to Christ no matter what the cost. I will serve Him no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I will not be judged by the world's standards, by my father's standards, or by anything else because it will all BURN.

so back to Geoff. I pray for him. I pray that he might find himself, that he would find confidence and courage to be his own person and seperate himself from my father's discouraging words. I pray that he would find Jesus, that he would see the error of his ways and the error of the world and to fall at the foot of the cross. I pray that I could be a source of communication for him, I know just how he feels and just how he thinks, and I want to be there for him.

And now, I pray for courage to walk boldly for God. But to be humble and still respecting towards my parents. I pray that I would not be ashamed of the gospel, and that I would find complete security and strength in Jesus.

"So also we, while we were children, were held in bondage under the elemental things of the world. But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:3-8

why?

Why do people get tattoo's of crosses if they are not followers of Christ? WHAT is the point? Or bible verses or anything to do with the wonderous cross of Christ, without any sort of knowledge of Christ's saving Gospel? I can't believe people sometimes....

Rob Bell makes me angry

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world (1 John 4:1).


Since when did it become okay for people to take scripture as a collection of stories and timelines rather than the inspired word of the Lord? Since when do we interpret the Bible to fit our own lifestyles and agendas? Am I alone in believing that this is not ok? I sit in a room full of "Christian" college freshman, in a class supposedly about Christian Formation, but I feel as though I must challenge everything I hear and see if scripture really does affirm these things. My research and the Bible, says that not much has lined up so far. And what happens when I do speak up? Heads turn, sigh's leak out of people's mouths, the professor turns his head slightly and gives me a look as if I'm crazy. What on earth am I doing here? Am I really called to be in a place that teaches these things? In the case of Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, I was literally appalled at the end of the book. The Virgin Birth isn't important? Our home is on earth? Scripture is up to MY interpretation? WHAT? "“Everybody’s interpretation is essentially his or her own opinion”..."Now please understand that this way of thinking is prevalent in a lot of Christian churches,… But this view of the Bible is warped and toxic, to say the least. The assumption is that there is a way to read the Bible that is agenda—and perspective—free. As if all these other people have their opinion and biases, but some are able to just read it for what it says"
So reading scripture without any bias or influence is toxic? God is sovreign! He wanted those words to be written the way they were, why would He leave it up to interpretation when He has the power to make it say exactly what He wants? In Bell's opening statement about a trampoline vs. a brick wall...his "springs" are what are supposed to allow us to jump and live into our Christian selves, but so called "brickianity" which involves a brick wall, each brick a particular belief about God, bricks are not ok because they are rigid and if you remove one the whole things falls. The doctrine that has been in the Church since Christ is meaningless? This book makes me sad, sad because so many people my age believe this. So many peopel believe that this so-called "Trampolinity" is biblical. I am disgusted that my home church here in Seattle has the same name as Rob Bell's church, there is clearly no relation.


Pray that I could be discerning here at SPU. Pray that I would find SOMEthing that includes sound doctrine at school.

To cast all my fears, hopes, desires, struggles, trials, and questions, on You Lord, and to lay them at Your feet. For that is what I desire. To know You so deeply that my cares are lifted and my trials are met with comfort before I even ask. To find Your strength in my weakness, community in emptiness, to find joy in the sorrow of this world. That is what I desire. To rely on You, to trust in You, to rejoice in You, to have faith in You, that is what I desire Lord. To be consistent with You, to pray to You, to be hidden in You, to be found in You. This is what I want. To grow in You, to change in You, to live in You. This will be my life.


Psalm 119:94
I am Yours, save me

home

my family is here from home. Can't they just take me back with them? This roller coaster of happiness and sadness is such a MESS. Just as things start to get a little better around here, things with Seth go haywire. As soon as I start to have fun...everything falls apart between us. Well, not everything, but sheesh...how do people seem to make the distance work? I feel like my heart is ripped apart. True love WILL beat this, and if God wants us together...He will do just that. I guess, I am just not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point. And counting down the hours...is like watching paint dry, who knew hours went by so slowly?


258

tears of happiness

The tears lately have been sad ones. Tears of loneliness, shame, brokenness, and despair. This first quarter of college has been one of the hardest few months of my life, partly because I'm in a whole new surrounding and not comfortable with everything, and mostly because the theological views of this school are kind of wacky, and I feel so challenged to find out what I actually believe in and what is the truth and what I am being taught. But it is hard to deny that the hardest part of leaving San Mateo was Seth. We've known each other for a couple years, yet our relationship didn't begin till the summer and now we've been dating for more than 7 months and things couldn't be better...most of the time. My personal tendency when I meet a guy is to throw all my time into my relationship and leave God out of the picture...no wonder all my other relationships have failed. But this one is different, I knew it was different from the beginning and it has truly been one of the best seasons of my life. Through our 7 months of physical struggles, spiritual struggles, and the struggle of being 700 miles from each other, Seth and I are finally in a place where we can grow together and worship the God who holds our relationship...together. Tonight, after getting off the phone, I cried tears of joy. Not the same tears that have been drained from my eyes since the day that I left in September, but tears that end with a smile. A smile because we are making a promise to ourselves and to God that we are moving forward and trusting God to help us work through the struggles that we face. Though I still don't know where I will end up in the rest of my college years, I do know that I trust the God who holds this world together, and will hold me together when things seem to fall apart. What I still must continue to seek is a purpose here in Seattle, a place where God can grow and change me into a woman that glorifies Him.
....

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
- Jeremy Camp

On being away...

So I spent the weekend in Spokane, not exactly what I planned, but it was good nonetheless to have girl time with my best friend. What I did realize....I missed school. SO surprised about that. I missed my friends and my campus and my classes that I felt I was actually getting something that was valuable to my spiritual life and not just my career. This weekend really made me appreciate SPU and what it has to offer despite that I don't agree with their theological views and some of their political views. I still miss my home, and I still am trying to pray through where I am supposed to be next year. Part of this I'm sure is my unwillingness to put my whole heart into my time here at SPU. I cant help think at the end of every day how much I would rather be at home with the love of my life. I know God has something for me here, what that something is....I don't know yet.

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts

Spokane

I'm seriously counting down the hours until I go to spokane tomorrow to see my besty! Finally we will be reunited and just be able to hang with eachother by ourselves!

I will bring praise...

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

my heart hurts

I cant stand this. I have never been through such heartache in my life. Hardest week at SPU by far has been this one. And I am not going home for what seems like forever - 6 weeks from now-- someone shoot me..please. What's worse is that I still don't know what to do for next year, I just submitted an application to USF and UOP, but I don't know what to do, what if I don't get accepted anywhere? What if I'm stuck. I don't want my relationship with Seth to fall apart because were so far away from eachother, but this heartache is killing the both of us

hating it

I think the worst feeling of my whole experience at school is lonliness. In a sea of 4000 people, I feel like I have no one but God, not that I necessarily need anyone besides God, but a friend would be nice. Not just any friend, a really sincere friend that really cared about me. I almost cried today telling my dad about how I had no one to go to lunch with and that I was eating subway by myself, the casheir even recognized that I ate there so much and gave me a rewards card. Seriously...I hate this. I am tired of the superficialness of college friends, maybe that's why I continue to have no close relationships, or even many surface friendships, because I see no value. What on earth do I do? I don't want to invest my time in things I'm not interested in, or when I have other priorities to fill, but I want a friend.

Back at School

Back at school and in the snow! Not as fun as I expected, having to wait almost 3 hours at the airport and then drive 20 miles an hour on the highway with a car full of people I didn't know. Maybe the snow will stick? Not likely...seeing that it is barely freezing temp right now. But it was fun watching it fall all over the place, and maybe I'll get to walk to class tomorrow in it :). On the bright side, I feel like I get a fresh start this quarter, with a job and a car and classes that I'm actually interested in. Hopefully I'll make some more friends! I was quite the wreck when I left home today, mostly when I left Seth's house. This will be the longest stretch of time we will go without seeing eachother, 6 weeks, it should'nt sound so terrible, but it really does sound totally awful right now and that's all I can think about. As I sat in church this morning I opened to something very enlightening, Psalm 119, the lengthiest psalm of them all has beautiful verses that pretty much summed up how I was feeling at that moment. I need to constantly remember while I'm here that I am not alone, that I have a God who loves and cares for me right HERE, and I live like my entire life is at home. Though it feels sometimes like I am alone, God is everywhere...and I constantly forget that. My goal for this quarter is to not so much regret for coming to SPU but to find out why God has placed me here and what I can do to serve Him on this campus. I shouldn't dwell solely on how I disagree with the theology of the school but rather find a place of truth somewhere on campus where I feel that God truly dwells. Well, tomorrow is a new start, new meal plan and everything! I will update on how my new set of classes go...Politics,History,Christian Scriptures, and Romans...PHEW! quite the difficulty I feel coming my direction. And I have my first day of work tomorrow! So exciting!


Psalm 119
I cried with all my heart,
answer me O Lord
I will observe Your statutes.
I cried to You, save me
And I shall keep your testimonies.
I rise before dawn and cry for help,
I wait for Your words
~
Revive me,O Lord, according to Your lovingkindness.
The Sum of Your word is truth,
And every one of Your righteous ordinaces is everlasting