The Girl who Can't Take a Joke..

I'm fairly sure I will be this way forever. I have never understood people who joke around in personal ways, especially if they know it has the slightest possibility to hurt the other person. I also don't understand people who say their joking, yet really aren't. They say that they're joking when they really just want to deliberately hurt the other person. Is it just me that finds this to be not an OK thing?

I'm sure this goes back to my childhood. Hearing the things that people said about me, dealing with those mean girls that said bad things about me to my face, being the odd one out for one reason or another, one thing I have learned is that people don't change, and I haven't either in this aspect. I am still hurting from what people said about me 12 years ago. I can even recall the specific incidents ranging from elementary school to high school. Every rumor, every lie, every joke. It's like I'm trapped.

But now I'm just more inclined to fight back. More than ever actually. Why should anyone get away with this and not know how badly the other person feels? Would they still make those jokes if they knew the thoughts that ran through my head after? Let's be honest...they're probably not joking. No, they're not joking at all...and it hurts, and their words stick in my head like gum on hot pavement. The hurt turns into anger...and now I'm angry, seemingly at everything. So my anger turns into me fighting back, I'm sick of trying to convince myself that they don't actually mean what they say. I'm sick of trying to pretend like I don't hear their words and just go on with my business. Shouldn't that person be stopped?

For those of us with self-esteem issues...every negative word that comes toward us is like being stabbed. The pain does not go away and now I've stuffed it away for so long it's beginning to multiply. It's hard to believe that someone has to call their words "jokes" while they know that it hurts me. GROW UP. Why can't all the stuff just be said to my face and gotten off of his mind?

And yet I'm to blame for putting myself in that position, and reacting to it. It is age-old knowledge that someone like him just wants my reaction, my reaction fuels his words. But if I don't react...he still continues. And I still get hurt, either way.