I have successfully burned the candle and both ends, and held a flame in the middle.
and now..
I'm empty
Usually I would feel a vast array of emotions flooding in my brain from moment to moment, and to be honest I feel like my mind is on pause while the rest of the world keeps moving. How did this happen? At the end of my first year of college I feel tired and weak, I feel like I'm hiding from God and hiding from what's real.
Maybe I'm just caught up in the future again.
The thought of moving home for the summer in two weeks. The thought of marrying Seth. The thought of moving into a new apartment in the fall. The thought of trying to rebuild broken friendships. The thought of a career. Thought's of what is going to happen with my parents. Thoughts of my grandma. Lingering thoughts of my Grandpa whom I can't stop thinking about lately. Thoughts of being a leader for the Inn next year.
Maybe I'm all thought out.
Either way I can't seem to focus. I feel down and unmotivated. I feel like giving up.
But I can't, I can't afford to.
Is it possible to step outside my brain for a few hours?
Probably not. But it's a nice thought
Lord, take me out of this mess. Set me upon the rock which is You.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Where are you going? Where have you been?
As this quarter is nearing its end and I head back home to live in California, I am forced to wonder where my life is going. No, not to dwell on the future so much that I'm lost in it...(what I spent the last 6 months doing). I have experienced so much here in Seattle, a lot of good but also a lot of things that aren't so good. For instance, I have met some amazing friends, but in making those friends I had to realize a lot about my old friendships and truly evaluate some of my longtime friendships. I realized that the only reason I was really holding on to those old ones because they were there for so long and I was scared to let them go. I haven't given up, but in a sense I've moved on. God has shown me the amazing things spring up from Christ-centered friendships, why would I chase anything else? I've probably been viewed as a bad friend for this, and for that I am sorry, but one can only disregard God's direction for so long. So I'm a little scared to go home, to have my closest friend a few hours away will be hard and she also has her own friends at home. I have Seth, which I am so thankful for, and my family. And praise God that my relationships with my family members have improved ten-fold since my move to Seattle. I am excited for the summer, to have more than a couple weeks to be with Seth and to share our love with each other before I'm off for another year in Seattle. I am very excited to return though. I will be on leadership with The Inn which I am so excited for! And I will also be living with 2 of my closest girlfriends and another one that I can't wait to get to know more, in a fabulous apartment on campus! I may regret saying this now, but I am also excited for my new classes! With my probable transfer to somewhere closer to home, I wont have to take the required Christian courses at SPU which will be nice...SPU theology is a little bit wacky to say the least.
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned this year is to literally live..."my best life now". Not in the cheesy Christian sense, but to truly embrace God's grace in my life every single day. I spent my first quarter in a total haze. I had no idea that there were great people on campus and so many fun things to do, I was stuck in my future and being home again. This was so damaging to live that way. I expected way too much from Seth and was more concerned with how many days,hours, and seconds we'd been dating than actually enjoying the time we had spent together. After vowing to make a serious life change my winter quarter...everything turned around. I made amazing friends, enjoyed my time here, and truly felt like God now had a purpose for me being in Seattle. And I realized...if God wants Seth and I to get married and be together forever..then He will have it that way! I don't need to worry about moving home so quickly and totally giving up on long-distance; yes it's crappy most of the time to be so far away from him, but there is SO much we can learn about each other through phone and skype conversations.
On a lighter note...I truly enjoy my life. If you all could only meet my wonderful friends! For instance..Janie, my first friend from USEM during the first week of school. We had an intstant bond that has flourished into a wonderful Christ-centered relationship! She is funny and so caring and the sweetest girl I know. And Ally, thank goodness she lives so close to me because I couldnt see my life without her this summer! She is a wonderful friend and we have the best talks, she is witty and overall so fun to be around. And Mel is the cutest thing, she's quirky and joyful all the time and will always be excited for you no matter what! And Tor..my roomie, things started off slow because we really don't have that much in common except that we live in the same room..but through hanging out and bonding a lot throughout the year she too has become a good friend. And then theres Sarah, this girl is so encouraging! Every time I see her she's asking how she can pray for me or when we can have coffee, it is so encouraging to see her and be around her! There are so many more people I could mention...and I know there will only be more after next year! God truly met the desire of my heart, He developed a community of Christian woman for me to grow in and I couldn't be more thankful.
And to lastly speak of my past. I have come to realize that I have a changing testimony, no the events of my conversion will never change. But I have learned that I can't live on those forever, each new day brings a way that God is present and working. This year I walked away from God for a long time, I spent many months hiding from things only He knows. But He is always calling me back home. He never stopped. God has been so faithful this year, even when I was disobedient and hurtful towards others and Him, and even faithful when I was a downright hypocrit. I deserve nothing, yet He has given me everything. I can barely describe His work in my life, it has been so wonderful. I have learned to find joy in the broken, and to understand that this life will be filled with more trials and struggles than I care to imagine. But whether it is running or limping, (probably limping), I will stay on the path that leads to righteousness for the rest of my life.
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
~Psalm 43:3-5
The help of my countenance and my God.
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned this year is to literally live..."my best life now". Not in the cheesy Christian sense, but to truly embrace God's grace in my life every single day. I spent my first quarter in a total haze. I had no idea that there were great people on campus and so many fun things to do, I was stuck in my future and being home again. This was so damaging to live that way. I expected way too much from Seth and was more concerned with how many days,hours, and seconds we'd been dating than actually enjoying the time we had spent together. After vowing to make a serious life change my winter quarter...everything turned around. I made amazing friends, enjoyed my time here, and truly felt like God now had a purpose for me being in Seattle. And I realized...if God wants Seth and I to get married and be together forever..then He will have it that way! I don't need to worry about moving home so quickly and totally giving up on long-distance; yes it's crappy most of the time to be so far away from him, but there is SO much we can learn about each other through phone and skype conversations.
On a lighter note...I truly enjoy my life. If you all could only meet my wonderful friends! For instance..Janie, my first friend from USEM during the first week of school. We had an intstant bond that has flourished into a wonderful Christ-centered relationship! She is funny and so caring and the sweetest girl I know. And Ally, thank goodness she lives so close to me because I couldnt see my life without her this summer! She is a wonderful friend and we have the best talks, she is witty and overall so fun to be around. And Mel is the cutest thing, she's quirky and joyful all the time and will always be excited for you no matter what! And Tor..my roomie, things started off slow because we really don't have that much in common except that we live in the same room..but through hanging out and bonding a lot throughout the year she too has become a good friend. And then theres Sarah, this girl is so encouraging! Every time I see her she's asking how she can pray for me or when we can have coffee, it is so encouraging to see her and be around her! There are so many more people I could mention...and I know there will only be more after next year! God truly met the desire of my heart, He developed a community of Christian woman for me to grow in and I couldn't be more thankful.
And to lastly speak of my past. I have come to realize that I have a changing testimony, no the events of my conversion will never change. But I have learned that I can't live on those forever, each new day brings a way that God is present and working. This year I walked away from God for a long time, I spent many months hiding from things only He knows. But He is always calling me back home. He never stopped. God has been so faithful this year, even when I was disobedient and hurtful towards others and Him, and even faithful when I was a downright hypocrit. I deserve nothing, yet He has given me everything. I can barely describe His work in my life, it has been so wonderful. I have learned to find joy in the broken, and to understand that this life will be filled with more trials and struggles than I care to imagine. But whether it is running or limping, (probably limping), I will stay on the path that leads to righteousness for the rest of my life.
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
~Psalm 43:3-5
The help of my countenance and my God.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mars Hill Church
Mars Hill Church is amazing...and this had to be one of the most powerful sermons I've heard in a long time
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men
listen and enjoy!
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men
listen and enjoy!
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