Sick of being sick

Gosh what a roller coaster I've been one the past few days. It was great being home over last weekend, but when I got back to SPU everything was kind of haywire. It's the last week of school before finals so that was kind of to be expected, but Monday I had huge test that I didn't spend much time studying for...thought I failed it. Then Monday evening Tori (roomate) starts feeling sick...she spends all of tuesday and wednesday bed ridden with the flu. Poor baby :(, it was so hard cause she was so helpless. Low and behold...Wednesday were out watching TV at a friends sisters place...and I start feeling really sick. Wednesday night I go to bed feeling pretty awful and dont get a very good night's sleep. I wake up on thursday morning feeling like I had been run over by a semi truck. It was AWFUL. So thursday and friday I spent all day in bed..doing absoluetely nothing and feeling like death on a stick. Saturday rolls around and I wake up thinking...I'm gonna get some dayquil so I can feel a bit better, roll out of bed...and...wow my neck reallly hurts. Not just an ache..it is in awful pain. I proceed to the drug store...trying to get a hold of my mom and am not successful till I finally get to safeway. I call her and tell her and she asks..."can you touch your chin to your chest?" at this point I'm in so much pain its impossible to do that, she says..."you need to go to the ER RIGHT NOW"...and of course I get all emotional and scared cause she's freakin out!

I proceed to the ER with my dear friend Janie...she's an ANGEL. She takes care of me and gets me checked in and everything. I explain to them whats going on and how my mom thinks I might have menengitis because my neck is so stiff. They take a few blood samples and tests...and give me drugs. Oh the drugs :) Man was I feeling great! Meanwhile my mom is still scared out of her mind...and all this time I just wanted to avoid having to get a spinal tap. Turns out, they don't think its menengitis (PTL), looks like a bad muscle strain that seems to have affected my whole neck and head. While I'm in the ER my mom decides to fly up to Seattle, bless her heart...it was JUST what I needed. She takes me to her hotel room while I'm all drugged up on muscle relaxers and vicodin and takes great care of me. Granted my neck still really really hurts, at least I dont have menengitis. Story goes she had every right to worry because she had a patient come in this week saying that there was a menengitis outbreak at her school with people who had all ready had the vaccine. Anyways...

Today I'm feeling a lot better. The flu symptoms are finally going away, but my neck is still in a lot of pain. And my momma just left..but it was so good to have her here. I love her so much! And I'm excited to go home for Spring Break in 3 days :D

Thankful

I am in awe of what this past quarter has brought me, and as it is the last week before finals I feel it appropriate to make note of the things God has done in these past 2 1/2 months here at SPU. Going into this quarter I was rather hopeless, I doubted that I would ever make solid relationships and truly enjoy my time here, and I doubted that God had anything here for me here.

As stubborn as I was about this issue, I can admit that I was wrong. One thing I lacked at home was real close friendships and relationships with Godly women. Sure I have girlfriends at church, but none that I would call my best friend and none that I was totally ok with talking about my relationship with God with. When I threw away my need to be on the phone with Seth ALL the time, and threw away my stubbornness about not being outgoing...I found a world of new friends here. Not a bunch of friends, but relationships that were REAL and deep and loving. Praise God! For this is what I truly needed! Maybe my grades slacked a little, and I didn't get to communicate with Seth as often as I would have liked, but I invested time in the women here and now I am seeing the benefits.

What has been really hard about leaving home besides being away from Seth...is that I watched a lot of my close relationships with my girlfriends deteriorate. Not that I wanted them to do that, but my two close girlfriends and I were no longer living in the same place, we all started new lives in new homes and had different friends. Not only did we live in different places, but we have different spiritual lives. Don't get me wrong, I love those girls SO much and respect that we don't all believe the same thing...but there is something about being friends with women that believe whole-heartedly in the same thing you do, and it is wonderful! I'm not so upset anymore that my old friendships have weakened because I have seen the power of Christian fellowship. It makes me want to invest more and more time in my Christian friends at home as well as my friends here! Even though I still plan on transferring, I know I will hold on to the relationships I have made here. God is SO SO good!

I still just can't believe I have a whole quarter here...summer come now! I want to be able to see Seth for more than 3 days at a time every month!

Redeeming Love

I have been captivated by this book for the past couple days. It's an amazing story. Please pick it up if you havn't read it yet!

I had coffee with one of the interns at The Inn (the college group I go to at UPC), annnnnd she told me about a singer/songwriter with some great stuff! Her name is Alli Rogers :)

Some lyrics that are sweeeeeeet:

So I offer up my life
It's all that I have to give
And I confess that I have sinned
Praise the Lamb, praise the Lamb
Praise the Lamb
Who was slain

Almighty God, beheld in flesh
Your body, murdered and buried
Rising up, overcoming death
While our burdens, you lifted and carried

With one sacrifice
You have forever made perfect
Those who are being made holy
We are being made holy
We are being made holy

pride

I've been reading Mere Christianity for a while..trying to take each chapter in and not speed through it like I do a lot of my books. As I read the chapter on the sin of pride...I felt as though God was talking right to me. I have been so proud about everything in my life, and I must change. Right now, I don't really know how and I know I just need to surrender to God whatever it is that makes me this way. Please be praying for me.

The Lentent Season

Lent is something I have never observed. I breifly heard about it as a kid, but never understood it, I do remember seeing some kids or adults with black ashes on their head and thought they looked incredibly silly. There is no way that I believe that now, after today I understand the true meaning of lent.

Previous to today, lent sounded to me like an excuse for someone to give up something and boast about it, maybe its a certain food..and they secretly hope to lose weight, or maybe its their cell phone and they tell all their friends ahead of time. While letting people know for certain reasons may be necessary, whatever we are fasting from should be kept between ourselves and our Heavenly Father, and if to be shared, only in the purpose of asking for accountability if needed or to ask if they would like to join you.

At the service today, we were encouraged to leave our woe's at the alter. We were presented on small sheet with the woes presented in Luke 6:20-24. These woes had to do with the love of riches, food, laughter, and pride. After recieving the ashes, we were asked to circle a woe that we would like to leave, and to meditate on it, leave it at the alter, and to take a blessing card. This blessing card contained the blessings in Luke 6:20-24.

I circled the woe of riches. I struggle with the use of money daily, I can rarely say no to buying something, and have to continually find new homes for all the clothes in my closet. This 40 days, I will not be buying any clothing, shoes, accessories or anything I do not need. Because honestly, the 10 pairs of black sweats in my closet are not going to be needing another addition any time soon.

After these 40 days, I am hoping to not feel the impulse to buy anything new, I am hoping that I will feel releived and be releived of my addiction to money and shopping.

This season I want to grow deeper in my relationship with God. I am going to wake up earlier and spend time with God in the morning, and hopefully that will lead to an all-day conversation with Him. Usually strict provisions like having to read my bible every single day would scare me away, but discipline for me is what produces results.

Luke 6:20-25
And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.“Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. “Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. “Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. “But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full. “Woe to you who are well-fed now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way.

...starting to call Seattle home...*sigh of releif*

Don't get me wrong. I love San Mateo and the Bay Area, but yes...Seattle is starting to become my home away from my home home. If that makes any sort of sense at all. I just arrived here about an hour ago...expecting a tired friend fried from a day of classes to pick me up and that would be it. But no, how could I be so mistaken...I got the best homecoming ever. I hear Ally's infamous OH OHHHHHHHH! out of my car window, followed by Tori and Cody and Ally all hopping out of my car to greet me. It was the greatest! And it made leaving the bay area leave my mind! I was pleasantly reminded of how nice it is to know my way around Seattle, thanks to mommy and daddy my little blue speed racer was shipped up here in the beginning of the quarter..and the fun hasn't stopped yet! Exceppppppt, now back to the grind of school, midterms are over..but finals are just around the corner and I'm not nerely prepared enough!

But my first of many Valentine's with Seth was pretty amazing :). What girl will complain when she walks away with a diamond ring?! No no no, we're not engaged, but promised and committed, and that's perfect for us right now! But diamonds are not the only reason it was awesome, I just love being in love. It's amazing. Being in this relationship has made me realize so much about how my old relationships were so meaningless but Seth and I do truly love eachother and it's so evident in how we treat eachother. No amount diamonds or gifts will make that love grow or deplete :)

Anywho,
History research paper anyone? MMMMM I'm SO (not) excited to write a 10 page paper on Thomas Jefferson. Welcome home, research papers, politics arguments, false doctrine...OH MY!
Looking forward toooo: Sno-cal with TNT! (March 20), Spring Break (March 19), Seth's 21st Birthday(May 25)

:)

Some lyrics that have lifted me recently: Kari Jobe --> You are For Me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
even if to write upon my heart...
to remind me who You are

So patient,
So gracious,
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
YOU fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You...


:)

Geoff, George, and God

My brother. How distant our whole lives have been from each other while living under the same roof. Do we have anything in common besides our last name? For the past 18 years I would have told you no, and now...tonight, I can say yes. We live under the roof of Mr. S, and under this roof lies high standards, low morals, and no chance to ever gain self esteem. Call me dramatic if you may...but the three others living under this roof besides my father are plagued with self-esteem issues. I have always blamed a lot of it on my father, I know my mom blames a lot of it on him as well, and now tonight...I see it in my poor brother.

Despite his lack of communication with...well anyone, he really is a sweet guy. Like most guys he doesn't know how to show emotion to anyone unless its one of the hot girls he seems to date every so often. For the past few years I've known that he has dated, and I saw him go through the ugliest heart break I've ever seen last year. But I saw something in him tonight as I drove him home from a drunken party, I saw the look in his eyes when he got rejected, something that I am ever so familiar with. I saw the lack of confidence and assurance that every person needs to survive. It's not just a little bit lacking...its completely lacking, and this is what scares me. He is turning 21 next month, and he has little confidence in himself that he can ever make it on his own. Only by God's grace have I been able to attempt to fix this same exact aspect in my life that we seem to share.

Over the past few months of being in Seattle I have learned a thing or two about how people my age grew up. In my house, making fun of others for how they look is the common topic at dinner, physical fitness and eating habits are of high importance, a pat on the back or a showing of appreciation has never been found, and the S children are held to the strictist of standards, the standards of our Father. The standards that say we must have successful and lucrative careers, the lie that money is equal to happiness, and the implication that we will never be good enough to meet the standards at hand. Forgive me for "blasting" my father, but he really does think that SuperChildren exist. And now that I've grown up a bit and finally seen the other side of the fence, I realize how I must never raise children under these standards.

This sense that we are not good enough people, that we don't fit in, and that we are plagued with shyness when we enter a room is without a doubt related to how my brother and I were raised. In our heads, there is always someone better, there is always someone that we are being compared to, and we are never good enough. The way others think about us controls our thoughts and we are always thinking that people are judging us. This shows in how we interact with people, we're shy, nervous, defensive, and often rude. We judge other's appearance first always and we talk rudely about other's constantly.

And now that us Skaates children are adults, we must find a way to be normal. Normal? How can we be normal when all we know how to do is judged and be judged?

Obviously, this is part of my sinful nature. But, this is the only thing I know. After talking with Seth about my extreme insecurities, we came to the conclusion that I must learn to think differently. I must learn to not focus on what other's are thinking about me, because most of the time I assume there thinking things about me that are proposterous. I must learn that there is more beyond someone's image, yes I must LEARN that, I must learn how to think all over again because I have everything backwards. EVERY single time I walk into a room, I think about what people are thinking of my image, I make up crazy things about how fat they must think I am, or how they must think that I'm rude because I didn't smile at them, or I think that they must think I have no fashion sense cause my pants are too short. Crazy...I know.

I must learn to STOP, and realize how crazy my thoughts really are. I must stop myself in the middle of this rant inside my head and just learn to think like a good person does. I will not teach my children that it is ok to talk rudely of others, I will not let the love of money take over my life, and I will not teach my children that they are not good enough and need to measure up to a physical standard to earn my love.

The truth is...
there is only one standard that matters...

GOD'S HOLY AND RIGHTEOUS STANDARD. His love tells me that I don't need to look a certain way or to achieve a high GPA to be loved and appreciated. His grace tells me that though I am undeserving, He sent His Son to redeem my sins on the cross. His gospel tells me the wonderful story of Jesus, who lived a un-luxiourous life but was without sin, who ate with prostitutes and lepers, who cast out deamons and who BEAT death.

I will boast in nothing less than the cross of Christ. I will learn to change my thought's and my heart to what God desires of me. I will live a life obedient to Christ no matter what the cost. I will serve Him no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I will not be judged by the world's standards, by my father's standards, or by anything else because it will all BURN.

so back to Geoff. I pray for him. I pray that he might find himself, that he would find confidence and courage to be his own person and seperate himself from my father's discouraging words. I pray that he would find Jesus, that he would see the error of his ways and the error of the world and to fall at the foot of the cross. I pray that I could be a source of communication for him, I know just how he feels and just how he thinks, and I want to be there for him.

And now, I pray for courage to walk boldly for God. But to be humble and still respecting towards my parents. I pray that I would not be ashamed of the gospel, and that I would find complete security and strength in Jesus.

"So also we, while we were children, were held in bondage under the elemental things of the world. But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:3-8